It's not me, it's you: When it's time to break up with your doctor
I was raised to know that I was worthy of love and respect no matter what, but like many of us, somewhere along the line those core beliefs got buried under layers of inadequacy and fear. For much of my life I have measured my own worthiness based on how other people saw me. If someone complimented me or if I got a good grade or if I was accommodating, I felt valued. It felt good and I was really good at it. However, the downfall of being a people pleaser is that you lose sight of what you want and you don't get your needs met.
I've done a lot of work to peel back those heavy layers of inadequacy and get back to the core where I can confidently say that my imperfect self is worthy of love and belonging. Still, it's a work in progress and sometimes interactions with others can bring me right back to that insecure girl who lives inside of me.
This week I had an appointment with one of my doctors which sent me right back to that place of inadequacy. As per usual with this doctor, he spoke with no emotion and just delivered facts. We talked about the small intestine blockage situation and the day to day diarrhea/incontinence situation. He told me that I am not where he would have expected me to be 8 months post-surgery. I agreed. Then he proceeded to tell me why he believed it was that way:
1. Your body is defective and you have pelvic floor dysfunction.
I interjected to explain that I don't think I have dysfunction because he just checked my pelvic tone and said it was normal. He gave a sort of shrug and kept going, totally dismissing my comment.
2. You need to hold your bowel movements for longer through cramping and discomfort to expand your pouch.
Up until this point I had been listening, asking clarifying questions, and taking notes, but all of a sudden my emotions were rising up. There we were: he the older, wiser expert and me the younger, "uninformed" patient. The tears were coming and I went back to that place of low self-worth that I used to go to, but I quickly realized that even if he was right he should be treating me with kindness and respect. I took a deep breath and through my tears said, "I understand everything you are saying and it makes sense from a medical standpoint. However, I am living in my body and my experience tells me I am unable to hold it. I have good muscle tone but the stool is liquidy and even an Olympic athlete couldn't hold this diarrhea. Plus, it happens at night when I'm sleeping and there's no way I could hold it consciously when I'm asleep. I'm not sure you are fully understanding what I am saying because it just comes out and sometimes I don't even know it's happening. I am frustrated because there should be more solutions."
I stood up to get some tissues and he said something else about the incontinence being a problem with my body. Here was a man criticizing my body and not listening to my voice. Here was someone not valuing me. As I dried my eyes, he got up and left the examining room saying, "Let me know if anything changes."
I sobbed and choked back tears all the way down the hall, in the elevator, in the parking lot, and in my car. At first I wasn't clear on why I was so upset, but I realized I was crying not just because I felt sorry for my health problems, but also because I had been disrespected and I felt powerless in that room. He wasn't looking at my case in its entirety or taking me seriously. I was frustrated and angry that he was blaming me for problems that aren't my fault instead of looking for more creative solutions or at least admitting there are things medical professionals don't know yet.
And then I realized that I do have power. I can choose the people I surround myself with. I decided not to go back to this doctor. I made an appointment with another doctor who comes highly recommended.
Being in any kind of relationship with someone (family member, partner, friend, doctor/patient, etc) requires recognizing your own self-worth and knowing that the other person will see your imperfect self and nonetheless care for you and value you. To me, if that doesn't happen, it's a deal breaker. Breaking up with someone is also about recognizing your self-worth. It means saying to yourself, "I am worthy of receiving compassion and I deserve better than this."
I've done a lot of work to peel back those heavy layers of inadequacy and get back to the core where I can confidently say that my imperfect self is worthy of love and belonging. Still, it's a work in progress and sometimes interactions with others can bring me right back to that insecure girl who lives inside of me.
This week I had an appointment with one of my doctors which sent me right back to that place of inadequacy. As per usual with this doctor, he spoke with no emotion and just delivered facts. We talked about the small intestine blockage situation and the day to day diarrhea/incontinence situation. He told me that I am not where he would have expected me to be 8 months post-surgery. I agreed. Then he proceeded to tell me why he believed it was that way:
1. Your body is defective and you have pelvic floor dysfunction.
I interjected to explain that I don't think I have dysfunction because he just checked my pelvic tone and said it was normal. He gave a sort of shrug and kept going, totally dismissing my comment.
2. You need to hold your bowel movements for longer through cramping and discomfort to expand your pouch.
Up until this point I had been listening, asking clarifying questions, and taking notes, but all of a sudden my emotions were rising up. There we were: he the older, wiser expert and me the younger, "uninformed" patient. The tears were coming and I went back to that place of low self-worth that I used to go to, but I quickly realized that even if he was right he should be treating me with kindness and respect. I took a deep breath and through my tears said, "I understand everything you are saying and it makes sense from a medical standpoint. However, I am living in my body and my experience tells me I am unable to hold it. I have good muscle tone but the stool is liquidy and even an Olympic athlete couldn't hold this diarrhea. Plus, it happens at night when I'm sleeping and there's no way I could hold it consciously when I'm asleep. I'm not sure you are fully understanding what I am saying because it just comes out and sometimes I don't even know it's happening. I am frustrated because there should be more solutions."
I stood up to get some tissues and he said something else about the incontinence being a problem with my body. Here was a man criticizing my body and not listening to my voice. Here was someone not valuing me. As I dried my eyes, he got up and left the examining room saying, "Let me know if anything changes."
I sobbed and choked back tears all the way down the hall, in the elevator, in the parking lot, and in my car. At first I wasn't clear on why I was so upset, but I realized I was crying not just because I felt sorry for my health problems, but also because I had been disrespected and I felt powerless in that room. He wasn't looking at my case in its entirety or taking me seriously. I was frustrated and angry that he was blaming me for problems that aren't my fault instead of looking for more creative solutions or at least admitting there are things medical professionals don't know yet.
And then I realized that I do have power. I can choose the people I surround myself with. I decided not to go back to this doctor. I made an appointment with another doctor who comes highly recommended.
Being in any kind of relationship with someone (family member, partner, friend, doctor/patient, etc) requires recognizing your own self-worth and knowing that the other person will see your imperfect self and nonetheless care for you and value you. To me, if that doesn't happen, it's a deal breaker. Breaking up with someone is also about recognizing your self-worth. It means saying to yourself, "I am worthy of receiving compassion and I deserve better than this."
Bravo for firing that lousy doc, Stephanie.
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