Getting over writer's block/Getting over fear of being a broken record

I kind of miss crumpling up a piece of writing and chucking it at a waste paper basket. Hitting the delete button is much less satisfying and leaves me with nothing to show for my writing efforts. Guys, I've sat down and tried to draft a blog post a bunch of times since my last post in July, but I couldn't get going. 

It's hard to air your dirty laundry to your broad circle of family and friends and acquaintances for so many reasons - mainly it's hard for me because I don't like continually give negative news to people who really care about my well being. (and honestly, even though I am eternally grateful, it's even harder to give baskets of my actual dirty laundry to my parents and close friends and realize that I can't take care of my basic needs on my own right now) The reason I keep sharing is to try to educate people about chronic illness and to keep folks who care about me in the loop. Plus, I'd rather be real with everyone even if my news can be a downer. The truth is that even if our social media feeds are a series of filtered images and strategic angles and YOLO moments, we all experience times of struggle and fear and heartbreak and sadness. I think part of why I keep writing this blog is to validate that these parts of all of our lives are real and important and natural. I don't think being happy every day is normal or would be the best life. And I don't think everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that we have choices in how we respond to every situation that comes our way. We have a choice to respond in ways that help us grow closer to our best selves. 

All that being said, sometimes I am too tired or worn out to operate with that higher level thinking. Sometimes my days are about getting through the day. Last year I had a fantasy that it would take a few months after surgery to recover, but soon enough I'd be back on my feet, bursting with energy and able to balance work and fun. For some patients, this is the way their post j-pouch surgery recovery goes. However, for me recovery has been slow with plenty of ups and downs. The main challenges include frequency and urgency of bathroom trips (including lots in the nighttime, aka sleep deprivation) plus varying degrees of butt burn (from zero to volcanic lava). Throw in a hacking chronic cough (since June!!!) and some asthma for good measure too.

Lately I'm working with an ever-growing team of expert medical professionals to help figure out what's going on with my body and get me back on track. I feel like I'm in good hands and I'm feeling more hopeful that there are more treatment options to try, it's all about finding the right combination of factors that work for each individual. 

Having patience and faith in the process is hard, especially for a person likes me who likes to understand how all the details fit into the larger picture. It helps to remind myself of the progress I've made so far. Back in March I would have never dreamed that I could do a 2 hour car trip or go to a concert with over 30,000 people or spend 10 hours away from home 5 days in a row.  There are definitely broad strokes of progress happening, even though living with the instability day to day is hard. 

So, yes it's hard to air one's dirty laundry (even though we all have it), but I think it's harder to keep it under the wraps. Thanks for reading and caring and being there for the long haul. Please remember I'm not writing this for pity or even for words of support (although those are nice :) ). I'm writing so you can walk with me through this and I hope that in turn you are all able to find ways to share your hardest struggles with people "who have earned the right to hear them" --a phrase used by Brene Brown (I'm obsessed with her books right now).